Portland PARKA: Parents Raising Kids Alone: What I Love Best About Being a Single Mom

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What I Love Best About Being a Single Mom

I get to choose where we go on weekends.

If I don't feel like cooking, I just pick up Tory at day care and off we got o Sweet Tomatos.

I don't have to clean the house unless someone is coming over.

If the cat is snoring, I can just pick her up and throw her out of bed.

When Tory says "I love you" it's always followed by "mommy."

I don't have to be a short order cook if everyone doesn't want the same thing.

I can spend my evenings on the floor with Tory playing with toys.

I don't have to listen to anyone rehashing their work day, day after day after day.

I am head of household on my taxes.

I don't have to worry about anyone else messing up the bank account (I do well enough messing it up on my own!).

NO MOTHER-IN-LAW to give me parenting advice!

No haggling about what religion to raise the child under.

I could name her whatever I wanted.

I can make decisions inside my head rather than out loud, ending with "is that okay with you?"

I can discipline however I want!

Such great support from the single mom community.

Being a single mom forces me to get out of the house and make friends. It forces me to find funa nd interesting things for me and Tory to do. It forces me to learn more about my own creativity in order to encourage hers. It forces to me think about math as a useful tool so I can help her some day with ehr homework. I reminds me of my ABCs and 123s. It teaches me more about child developement. I have found all of the child friendly establishments in Portland.

We are on a first name basis with the Wiggles.

But the number one, most important, best thing that I love about being a single mom....

(Drum Roll Please....)

TORY!!!!

(What did you think I was going to say?)

What do you love best about being a single mom?

28 Comments:

At 4:10 AM, Anonymous said…

Just think, "men" in general can say all the same things about you (not screwing up the bank account, etc.). And, best of all, your daughter is growing up without all the things psychology tells us she needs from a Father.

What a selfish mother you are. Parenting is about your child, not you. Read some books and stop blogging when you're drunk.
At 6:46 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Oh,thank you so much for your courageous, well educated comments, written at 4:10 AM accusing me of being drunk when I blog....it's amazing how brave some folks can be when commenting under the proud name of "anonymous." Get your facts straight, anon. How much can we all bet that you have never known a single mom and how wonderful and courageous they can be. No one ever accused me or any of my peer group of being "anti-man," but something tells me you have issues with women...come forward and deny that...but this time sign with your real name, and maybe I'll believe you.
At 7:44 AM, Debby and Tory said…

ps: By the way, I have a master's degree in Children and Family Social Work, and I have yet to hear of all the books you are talking about discussing the psychology of my daughter needing a father. When I do, I will pass them out to all of my single mom and lesbian mom friends. I'm sure they will appreciate it. However, I have read "It Takes a Village...". Can I safely assume that you can be assigned as the Villiage Idiot???
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous said…

Hi Debby. I watched my sister raise her 3 kids alone after she lost her husband. I was in awe of the energy, hard work and devotion she brought to ensure those kids had a rich upbringing. I don't think I would be capable of such an exhausting and never ending task. On the other hand I have got to say your post did come off as a little selfish, and to my mind, sad. You've got no partner to rely on for support, nobody to discuss your child with or debate with. It sounds very empowering, but so very lonely as well. How can you model cooperation and conflict resolution to your daughter when you have no need to cooperate with anyone nor any adult peer in the household at all?
At 11:58 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Frank, if you are the same person who posted before, I think this comment is much more mature and intriguing. I can see your point. But you also can't judge a person's life by one post on a blog! You don't know the circumstance, what was going through my mind that day, and also this blog is aimed toward other single moms, not people who are out there not in need of support from the single mom community. Whether we are single moms by choice or by circumstance, I think we can be described as anything but selfish. My post was intended to bring some humor into the lives of other single moms. I do not know why you were reading a single mom blog, but for whatever reason, I welcome thought provoking, supportive, or constructive comments here. Accusations of being drunk and unread are unfounded and unfair. Regarding adult discourse, I believe single moms are very efficient in finding support from their families, friends, and other support sources. I belong to several mom/parent groups, religious focused groups, and have a strong support base of family and friends, including both male and female role models for my child. We are involved in a wide range of activities and I have never been anything but honest with my child. As you can see, this post struck a nerve with me, but not for the reasons you may think. I do not feel the need to justify my life decisions or to respond to the "sadness" you feel, but I do need to respond to the lack of knowledge out there and to urge people to please learn as much as you can about each other before you pass judgement. Thank you for your concern about me and my child, but although it is very touching, it is unnecessary.
At 5:18 PM, LorMarie said…

Hello Debby,

I am in the "trier" category. In all honesty, I will not classify myself as an SMC in the sense that I am avoiding marriage in favor of raising children alone (Not saying that is or isn't your agenda--just introducing mine). I will be an SMC because I refuse to wait for Mr. Right at the expense of my decreasing reproductive ability. Therefore, I am going to have children while I still can with or without marriage. With that said, the best thing for me will be that I can raise the child without worrying about differences in child rearing practices. For example, I won't have to worry about someone telling me that my child(ren) should not attend church services every Sunday (which is important to me), differences when it comes to curfews, food, etc. This may all go out the window since I am limiting myself to the selection of open or known donors. That's ok because I would welcome a strong male influence for my future children (if it came to that point).

P.S. don't pay too much attention to comments regarding the so-called psyochological effects of fatherlessness. I didn't grow up with my father and I turned out very well. In fact, I would still welcome Mr. Right. Fathers may be important, but we can survive psychologically without them.
At 7:53 AM, Anonymous said…

you rock, debby! fine response to "anon." and, yes, what was that odd person doing reading your blog at 4:10 a.m.??
At 9:30 AM, Anonymous said…

I loved reading your post. It's so refreshing to see people look on thr brighter side and be optimistic about the challenges of child rearing! Single or married, we all have our challenges- I think attitudes like your are very healthy for children, so they know how much we appreciate and love raising them.
At 10:34 AM, tammy said…

i'm typing this one handed as my almost 6-month old chews on the other.

your post captured what you were thinking about at the moment ...a.k.a.... your blessings. i count mine continually and it's great to see others doing the same.

it's a fallacy to think that SMC are at all anti-men or wouldn't love (or currently have) wonderful male role models in their kids lives. lormar, to me, SMC defines that we've made a choice to have children and that choice doesn't exclude someday marrying. i sure hope to as do most or all or my SMC friends. we just know enough about biology to not wait for that to happen before having kids.

we run through the same cross sections of society as all others and are cognizant of our interest and need to find support in others through wonderful friendships, SMC, and other groups of friends.

have a great day Debby and give some extra kisses to Tory for me.
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous said…

Hi, I'm up in Olympia, WA, and have a 17-1/2 year old daughter. It's just been the two of us all these years - I'm a SMC, too, and I agree with what you have said about being a single mom. Sometimes it is tough to have all the responsibilities but my daughter is an A student, responsible, well-rounded, and full of common sense. She is ready to go to college and leave the nest.I know she hasn't missed a father figure in her life because I've been there for her everyday, more so than many fathers.
At 4:37 PM, LorMarie said…

Hi Tammy,

I don't believe that SMC's have the same attitude toward men and marriage; I am a member of a few SMC groups that include women with various opinions. Nor do I believe that there is necessarily something wrong with a woman who doesn't want to get married but becomes an SMC anyway...just highlighting which SMC category I fall under. But you are right, too many people believe that SMC's are anti-male and anti-marriage which couldn't be further from the truth. I hate to say this, but it appears to boil down to fear in the hearts of many men. Some may fear becoming "obselete" because women will take the initiative and fulfill our dreams of motherhood since men can afford to put marriage and parenthood off. There is no reason to fear.
At 8:48 PM, Debby and Tory said…

I just wanted to say thank you all for all of your wonderful and supportive responses. I was feeling pretty down about being flamed like that, but after the outpouring of SMC encouragement, I feel much more supported. Please feel free to keep responding. I always love to hear what other SMCs, thinkers, triers, and "accidental" moms have to say, as long as it is positive or constructive. You guys rock! Happy spring!

Debby
At 1:05 AM, Anonymous said…

HI Debby. My name is Aaron, and I'm the poster of the original comment.

First, let me say that I was raised by a single Mom, so I have a length and depth of perspective that you do not. I am not female, so I lack "first hand" knowledge of what Tory can look forward to. I do, however, posess knowledge and education (if I am to trust the literati on the subject) about how daughters--specifically--depend upon their fathers to learn "how am I to be treated as a woman in this world," and having a daughter of my own, can contest to being sensitive to that particular issue.

Modern thought seems to tell us each [child] sex has very important "world-view" to capture from each parent. It was that to which I referred.

"Flamed," is now what I intended what I had to say. Your post sounded selfish and as though you were singularly focused, as if to say "Look at me, the wonderful single Mom, doing it all by myself," and I intended to point out that you simply cannot. Without a Father, your daughter will lose something. Sorry, but I firmly believe that is true.

About the "drunk" comment, I read your blog often (when there is new content, which has been sparase lately), and the last post had more type-errors, less "Tory" and more "Me" than any other. It seemed you had been drinking. Deny please if I am wrong.

Yours is one of 8-10 blogs I read. I rarely comment.

Keep the good content coming, and for God's sake, enjoy a little criticism from time to time. What you're doing is on the cutting-edge of our current understanding of "family," in that the jury is still out on whether you singe Moms can raise "adequate" kids or not... I hope so, because I am one :-)

Sorry if I offended...at least I got some people talking!
At 3:42 AM, LorMarie said…

Hi anonymous,

I am one of those "fatherless" daughters. Actually, my parents divorced and my father rejected his role in my life and that of my sibs. Even though he was absent for most of my life (and because of his lifestyle choices, it was best that he was out of my life) I know how I should be treated by and still have a very positive image of men in general. I'd believe that having a father around means nothing if he is not a good father. I would appreciate it if you would elaborate on why you feel a father is important to a daughter's well being; but keep in mind, I know what it is like to be a fatherless daughter. This is not a challenge or a debate, just interested in a discussion.
At 8:47 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Aaron, to answer your "drunk" question, I have not had an alcoholic drink since about 1 year before I became pregnant, so no, I was not drunk. What my motivation was, was personal, and maybe it was a little bit selfish. So what. We all have our selfish moments, we all have our moments when we have to feel superior, and we all have our moments when we want to feel like our choices are the best choices for us. Other single moms, and some of my friends who are married moms, have responded to me that they thought my post was funny and positive spirited. My life revolves around my daughter, everything I do, I do for her. I started this blog as a support place for other single moms. I think it's ok for us to rant from time to time, and yes, it is ok for us to be a little selfish from time to time, whether you agree or not. I think the selfish thing for me would be to keep all of my thoughts inside of me, not vent to my peer group, and somehow or other, take it out on Tory without realizing it. So I will probably write other things in the future that will offend you, and I am sure you will read them, because I am not going to limit my blog to certain readers. I want to be out there for the single mom who feels that there is no one else out there who understands how she feels sometimes and is afraid to speak her mind for fear of being called "selfish." All moms, whether single or coupled, have a debilitating fear of being inadequate or letting their children down in some way. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard my friends say "I am a terrible mother," and these are women who are very giving, caring, and non-selfish. Most have waited until their situation is right for having a child and make all of their decisions based on what is right for their child. So when someone comes along and calls them "selfish" it is, indeed, a flame to us. To be accused of being drunk just because we express our feelings honestly, is a flame. To be accused of not being "child centered" because I said "me" more than Tory is insulting, as Tory is the centerpiece and the light of my life. If you have read my blog regularly, you should know that. As far as not seeing too many comments ont he blog lately, it is most likely because we have started a yahoo group to plan our events. I wish more people would frequesnt the blog, but I guess it's easier to "yahoo" as they email you rather than you having to go to the site each time. As far as spelling errors, I am a terrible speller. I never spell check. My boss can speak to that problem!And lastly, I am still not sure what drew you to my blog as a regular reader. It's nicer to know that someone out there is interested, but I am intrigued as to why you check up regularly. I wish you had commented earlier, on other posts, so I would have known you prior to this whole incident. I think the more we all talk to each other, the more understanding we all have. As far as being open to criticism, I welcome it, and will respond to it, as long as it is presented in a non-destructive way. I know that wasn't your intent, but it's how it came across. So take that as constructive criticism from me, so in the future we can have some friendly converstaion!
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous said…

Hi Lormar,

Any good, modern text on child emotional development should cover the topic. Countless studies have been done and published, for e.g.:

http://advance.uconn.edu/2002/020211/02021114.htm

I'm sorry that I cannot list my sources, but I recall correlations between absent fathers (phyiscally or otherwise) and things like: women choosing to remain in abusive relationships, trust and intimacy in intimate relationships, and more.

Google the topic, there is great material out there :-)
At 2:48 PM, LorMarie said…

Don't worry about listing sources. There are many studies out there. While I do believe that there is some truth to those studies (although no one ever interviewed me about how I feel as a fatherless daughter). However, many of those studies are misleading.

http://members.aol.com/asherah/fatherlessness.html

"Mainstream" fatherlessness statistics come not from valid sources but from father's rights organizations. They are used to denigrate single and divorced mothers. These specious statistics have made it to the Ways and Means committee. [See the Statement of Bill Wood, and Jay Gell, Children's Legal Foundation, Charlotte, North Carolina.]"

"Propaganda -- Girls 15-19 raised in homes with fathers are significantly less likely to engage in premarital sex.

Fact: "Those subjects who reported unwanted sexual experiences rated their fathers' and mothers' views of women as significantly more traditional than subjects who had not reported such experiences. These data suggest that parents' attitudes about gender roles may be related to vulnerability and lead to unwanted sexual experiences."

[Neal, Cynthia J. and Michael W. Mangis, "Unwanted Sexual Experiences Among Christian College Women: Saying No on the Inside," Wheaton College
http://www.biola.edu/admin/JPT/past/23_3/Neal_Mangis.html]
At 3:55 PM, Anonymous said…

This is in response to Aaron - YOU DON'T HAVE CLUE DUDE. I am a SMC. My son is almost 12. He is all together a great kid with a good head on his shoulder. You tell Debby that "without a father your daughter will loose something". My gosh, what a bunch of crock. My ex's son at 12 was a well rounded, smart kid. He took advanced classes in shool and we had high hopes for him. THEN - he moves in with his wonderful DADDYeoh. Why? Because at his dad's he could do whatever he wanted, stay up all night on a school night, come and go as he pleases, etc. At his mothers there was structure and there were rules. He is now almost 19, no ambition, no education, no job. Do I blame his father? You bet your little butt I do. So ... do I want a father in my son's life to screw him up too, not hardly.

BTW, what can a father do that I can't? Couldn't show how him how to stand up and pee in the toilet, but by gosh he's doing it. I'm teaching him to cook, clean, do yard work and in the fall I coach his soccer team. Tell me what he needs a father for .. besides screwing up his life.

And no, I don't think all men are the same, but I have so many times seen fathers be nothing but a headache. And no, I don't dislike men in general, either.
At 10:39 PM, Anonymous said…

This is Aaron.

Wow, what a great conversation this has turned out to be.

Lormar,
I understand your worry about special-interests, and mens-advocates. Stick to universities and science institutes and you can avoid most of the biased studies. I agree...there is more crap than substance out there, but with a little work we can filter it out.

What you said about parents' view of gender roles is spot in, IMO, though not exactly on-point for this conversation. For e.g., a father who has early 20th century views is likely to pass on a male-dominated, female-subserviant view. I think that's more about generation than gender-based contribution to kids.

Anonymous SMC gal,

I understand what you're saying completely. Please don't confuse intelligence with emotional completeness or maturity, which is really hard to measure other than lifelong study.

I can empathize with your blaming his father for the parts of him that frustrate you. That is one of the most frustrating and scary parts of "co-parenting," because most of us think "we" know what is best.

However, in the end, even a skilled psychologist cannot study a child and determine what he/she is/was missing from one or both parents. That information is only born out from empirical study of the lives of children raised by a single parent.

So assume the data shows a correlation, such as "daughters raised without fathers were 500% more likely to marry more than 3 times." What should we do with that data?

A correlation doesn't demonstrate cause and effect, so we cannot conclusively say that we should put a father in their lives and that it would solve the problem.

As for me, I'm a single father of a young girl, and I'll take the chance that a correlation hints at cause and effect. I'll take the chance.

...yet, like everyting else I've learned as a parent...I may be wrong, but I sure hope now :-)

Debby, I liked your [long] comment. I like how you defended, vented, then were friendly at the end.

Just a couple comments, and no judgement intended along the way...

First, you use "we" as though you speak for a large class of people. Your opinion stands on its own, you 've no need to purchase "buy-in" by pluralizing it.

Second, my words weren't insulting, it was you who chose to be insulted. (I expected as much, and am just fine with that).

Last, I read your blog becuase I can, and chose to comment also because I can.

And, for what it's worth, I consider this friendly conversation :-) Note that there are more words in this one comment-thread than on the entirely blog!

:-)
At 3:21 AM, LorMarie said…

Hi Aaron,

This was the only comment of mine from the response:

"Don't worry about listing sources. There are many studies out there. While I do believe that there is some truth to those studies (although no one ever interviewed me about how I feel as a fatherless daughter). However, many of those studies are misleading."

The rest of it was commentary from the website.

I just wanted to say for the record that I believe most fathers are doing the best job they can do. Although I can understand the sentiments of all the SMC's here, I was a bit shocked at the "what can the father do...screwing up his life" comment. At the same time, I have heard comments just as shocking from those who are anti-SMC and even more vile from those who are anti-DI. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is best to keep a healthy balance with the issue.
At 6:36 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Aaron, I am starting to see a trend here. You criticise my spelling, you criticise my grammer, you are criticising my tone. I am beginning to think you have more problems with me as a writer than me as a single mom. And no, your comments were insulting, whether intended or not, as evidenced by multiple replies I have received both on the blog and off. You may be a single father, and I commend you for that, assuming you are making the full effort to care for your daughter and teach her about the world, good and bad. But you still are not a single mom. You can empathize, just as I can empathize with you, but you can not be in my shoes as I cannot be in yours. Please do not try to judge what is insulting to a single mom, just as I will not judge what is insulting to you or any other single dad. And I wouldn't go on to any single dad blog and feign any kind of understanding of their issues and thoughts. I am glad you are an open minded man who is trying to understand what goes on in the mind of a single mom. I think that is enlightened. But you are still not a single mom. And please stop being the grammar police.
At 9:17 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Ok everyone, as fun and enlightening as this conversation has been for all of us (I'm not being sarcastic) I want to revert back to the original question. This group is about support from single moms by choice. I am now asking the single moms by choice to write in, what do you love best about being a single mom, including, but not limited to, your wonderful children? In my experience so far on this blog, as seen on this post, people only seem to want to comment when there is something contraversial. Show me some of the positive now. We have heard enough about why it is "not good" or "healthy" whether reality or myth. So why IS it good for you? Aaron, if you wish, please write to us about what you LOVE about being a single dad. I welcome that input. And again, thank you to everyone who commented in this thread so far. You have all been great.
At 4:36 PM, Anonymous said…

Aaron here.

Hey, I just realized I *am* an SMC, if I can borrow "M" to mean "Man" :)

Debbie, we still disconnect in that you seem to refer to SMCs as a special class, defined by all three letters in your acronym. I don't get the gender difference you elude to (why is it different for me than you?), and I'm curious about the "choice" part.

How many women here used donors? How many did a "woops," and then chose to be alone? How many did a "woops" then were left alone?

As for me, what I enjoy most about being a single parent are simple things. I like that I can make all the decisions, and while I'm smart enough to know that doesn't promise "better" decisions than a couple could make, I'm just selfish enough to prefer it that way.

I like that being just we two, our relationship has a camaraderie that was lacking when Mom was here.

I like that I'm constantly second-guessing myself because, for one, I'll have plenty of reasons to say "DAMN, if only I'd it the OTHER way..." when she gets her first boyfriend that I don't like, fails a class in school, or joins the Republican party.

I like that, so far, she is more self confident and outgoing than her peers, and I can imagine that I had a little something to do with that.

It's hard to not list at least *something* that I don't like about it. I don't like that she doesn't have a Mommy, for, at the very least, I pretty much suck at playing dress-up. :-)
At 7:55 PM, Debby and Tory said…

I used a donor. I'd do it again.

Thanks for sharing your positives. I think the difference between SMCs and SmanCs is basically just the obvious...the inherent differences between men and women and the way we approach things and interpret life. I don't think I need to go into those as I feel most people already recognise and accept most of these things. It's unfortunate, but it has let to many royalties for self-help authors trying to help men and women learn to communicate with each other. I think the more we discuss these things the more we can do to try to maybe not eliminate the differences, because in my opinion if our differences were eliminated, we would all lose our attractions to each other.

BTW: Aaron, it is possible that we know each other? Just curious...it just dawned on me.
At 12:00 AM, Anonymous said…

Aaron again...

No, Debbie, to my knowledge we've never met.

But, to your comment...we agree. There is NO difference between single parenting as a man or woman, except for that which is inherent in our sex, which has nothing to do with parenting.
At 6:56 AM, Debby and Tory said…

Yes! I do agree that there is no difference in the way we parent, or for that matter, love our children. What I am talking about is coping and feelings. You HAVE to recognise the differences there, right? Well, I guess I can't assume anything about you. But most everyone agrees that women and men seek support in different ways. My point? All of the women who replied saw mypost as funny and and positve. Both men who replied saw it as selfish and self-serving. This blog is aimed toward supporting women, so I guess I will go with what the women felt, and this is my point. On a men's single dad page, you will probably see more facts and figures, stories about things that happened, but not a ton of feeling and venting like you normally see with a group of women. Does that make sense?

ps: I'm glad we don't know each other. That would have been really awkward! = ) You sound like a really sweet dad, though! Your daughter is very lucky. You may want to read Reviving Ophelia if you haven't already. It's an awsome book regarding raising girls.
At 9:17 AM, Unknown said…

SMC's are a class of their own. We paid to be a parent. We picked some genetically superior (we hope) sample and went into a clinic and had a medical procedure done, maybe several times, paying several hundreds of dollars each time. We planned, we charted, we peed on more sticks than we realized were out there.

Single mom's by accident had unprotected sex (No judgement, just fact).

The biggest difference is we planned for some time to be parents. We used every resource available to be a caregiver to another life. It was so strong an urge or desire we were willing to go against society and our own family and friends to have this little person in our life.

You asked what was best being a SMC.
Watching her grow. She is as independant and determined as I am. She thinks she can do anything and never stops trying.
Her laughter, her silliness, her only wanting me when she needs help. Her sweet little kisses, her little hand on my cheek and hearing her say what I said last week when I didn't mean to say it in front of her.
Watching her walk out in purple high heels, a pink feather boa, garish red lipstick and black eye shadow, all the while twirling and asking me "Don't I look pretty?"

I don't hate men. I look for the best in people and hope with discussion more understanding is possible.
At 5:19 PM, Nico said…

I am with you. I am in charge in my house -- of discipline, dinners, and whatever else we feel like doing. My child and i have a bond and a closeness, and i don't have to share. And it is so sweet to snuggle up together at night, just her and me.

Portland PARKA: Parents Raising Kids Alone

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What I Love Best About Being a Single Mom

28 Comments:

About Me

Previous Posts